Today my heart is aching...

            Today my heart is aching but in a way it is a peaceful ache...
   One year ago today my dear older brother passed away...he was thirty-seven almost thirty-eight. He was young, but his life had still been filled with many hardships. He was a kind man and would do anything for someone else. I still remember the day I found out. It was a few days after the tragic accident that ended his life. I was in Georgia, visiting my now husband. We were on our way home from shopping when I got a call from my parents. It was a normal chat but I could tell there was something off in my mothers voice. Then she asked to talk to Morgan which was a little out of usual but didn't really catch me off guard. I heard a few "alrights" and a "when did this happen?", which I was not paying much attention to it, then a goodbye. I asked what it was about and Morgan said we would talk about it when we got home which would be in just a couple of minutes. We went into the apartment and he asked to take a walk outside...at this point I was starting to get a little worried. Never has Morgan not right away told me something. He slowly stopped and turned to me then explained that my brother had passed. The first few minutes I was in complete shock and I couldn't even register what he was saying....then it hit me. I asked what seemed to be a million questions while we walked inside. We sat down and I bawled on his shoulder...I cried for the loss, I cried for my family, and I cried because he never met my wonderful soon to be husband. I just keep saying you never were able to see what a wonderful brother he was. At that moment I was at a loss but at the same time I felt ok because I had such a wonderful person by my side to comfort me. I called my parents and they explained that it was probably the best for me to stay in Georgia at the moment. The nature of his death meant that he would have to be cremated and he was living in Oklahoma at the time so it would take some time to transfer his body to Texas. They also knew I was in good hands and that I needed to be here. I stayed for the remainder of my trip and then Morgan and I drove back. The funeral was a beautiful ceremony and I will never forget the wonderful people that were there to support us. My father and I wrote speeches that we shared in front of them and I would like to share it here as well...

         Being the youngest of four children and having the age gap of 12-18 years, it was hard to connect to my siblings. While I was going off to Kindergarten, my siblings where off to their adult lives. But as I grew older I became closer to each and every one of them. Keith, the Big brother that always wants to protect me but deep down would do anything and everything for his family. Katrina, The smart, beautiful, and kind hearted soul that always gave good “girl advice” and then Shawn, the sweet and gentle soul that always knew how to say the right things at the right time to make you feel better.  Who loved God and would do anything to make you happy even if it was his last penny.

         There was never a time that I walked into a room where Shawn was and that he didn’t smile and say “Hey beautiful” or “Hello gorgeous.” He would always compliment me and every time I left the room to go somewhere he would never forget to say I love you. I know Shawn had his struggles along the way and that sometimes life wasn’t easy for him but never did I see vengeance in his eyes or anger in his heart. The only thing I ever saw was love and compassion.

I look back at the last time I saw Shawn. He had come to stay with us for a couple weeks. At that particular time I was going through some struggles of my own. I remember the talks we had sitting on the couch or the many times he wanted me to take him to Sonic to get his Snickers Blast that he loved so much.  He always gave me the sweetest advice always ending with everything will work out and I love you!  After he left my heart ached and deep inside I wish I could have made him stay but I told myself I will see him again sometime. As I heard the news of my brothers passing, shock overcame me and sadness was a big part of my next few days. I didn’t understand how something so horrible could happen to my family and how such a wonderful person could be taken.

 They always say to cherish life because you never know what you have till it’s gone. That’s more than an understatement for me now. As the weeks went by after his passing I questioned my thoughts on life and how fragile it truly is. I felt empty and flustered. I didn’t know where to turn. I finally turned to my Bible and turned to my favorite passage, Psalm 23. As I read the words “The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, and he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."
 It hit me… God didn’t want Shawn to suffer anymore and even though the path that he had gone down was full of obstacles, that God has a plan for each and every one of us. Sometimes we don’t understand or even believe He is there doing what is best for us but God is always faithful and only wants us to live our lives to glorify Him and His name. 
I know it is hard to let my dear brother go but I have a peace that he will always be looking down on us and smiling. Death is never easy and nothing will ever change that but I know that God gives us trials to grow closer to him and that he never makes a mistake. I can only look back and remember the memories that I shared with Shawn and be thankful for the presence that I now feel. I know that Shawn is with me and there is never a day that now passes that I don’t sit down and have a chat with him in spirit and because of him I will never go into a room without hearing “Hello Gorgeous!” 

His death was painful and I wish that he was still here but I have a sense of peace. Peace in knowing that he is no longer having hardships and suffering. Just because he isn't here in person doesn't mean he isn't with me.  I talk with him daily and I know I always have an angel looking down on me. I know he was with me on our wedding and I know he will always be by my side.. I love him with everything I have. He will always be  part of my life. Today may be a reminder of his death but it is also a reminder of the peace that resounds in my heart. Wow that was a long post and if you made it through it I applaud you.

Today scripture: Matthew 11: 28-30
28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.